you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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