so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
