phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
