I don't usually arrange sex via text message
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
