good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
