I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
