I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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