After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
