Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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