I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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