I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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