Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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