god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
