I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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