So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
