maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
