she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
