Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
