My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Ladies don't puke and tell
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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