He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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