I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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