I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
