My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
