There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
