Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
someone owes me an orgasm
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
