This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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