thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
