pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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