Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
