yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
