Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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