I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
