Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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