do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
