it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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