thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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