Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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