Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
