The maid of honor just puked.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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