how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
