So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
