I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm like, not good at living.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
