I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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