just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
