so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
