Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
