Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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