I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
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