I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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