I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
